Talk like a Mormon: Moving through the Ranks - Young Women

Just as boys progress through organizational ranks in the Mormon Church, so too do girls. Beginning at the age of 12, Mormons girls are said to be part of "Young Women's," short for "The Young Women's Organization." There are three ranks or groups within the organization. On Sundays, the three groups meet separately for classes. They also meet collectively with the Young Women's presidency within the ward, both on Sunday and for activites during the week (remember that "ward" is the word both for the local congregation, which is determined entirely geographically, and for the actual meeting house where the ward congregates). The presidency is a group of women chosen (or "called") by the ward leadership (the bishop and his councilors - all male) to work with and guide the young women. Young Women's President is a bit of a banner "calling," or position, within the ward. A woman would never aspire to it, since callings don't work that way. But most women, at least publicly, would be thrilled and honored to be called to the position, since it is pretty much expected that the young women they work with will regularly comment (at least at church) on what an example the president is to them. Each rank or group within the organization would also have its own presidency, chosen from among the young women within the group. The three ranks are:

1. Beehive: 12- and 13-year-old girls are called "beehives." Since girls are never allowed to attend "Young Men's" (i.e., priesthood), or boys "Young Women's," I can't tell you precisely what beehives do during their classes. I do know that all of the young women have "values" that they spend a lot of time reciting: "Faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge, choice and accountability, good works, integrity." Each value has an associated color, so when the Young Women's presidency decorates for a ward event, it looks a bit like a gay parade of rainbows. As neophytes in the organization, beehives probably spend some time learning about the values - and learning to recite them endlessly in just the right order. For the mid-week activites, beehives tend to get paired up with deacons (12- and 13-year-old boys). These regularly occurring, social (and sometimes service-oriented) activites where boys and girls co-mingle are called "mutual" (short for "The Mutual Improvement Association"). Here's a sentence that correctly illustrates the ways these terms are used: "There's a new beehive in the ward - I saw her at mutual last night." Incidentally, beehives are not called by that name because of their preferred hairdo. The beehive is a symbol selected by Mormons for themselves (and, by extension, for Utah) because they regard bees as industrious workers. Why specifically the symbol is attached as a name for 12- and 13-year-old girls is probably best answered by a serious Mormon historian (or Wikipedia). Rest assured, however, that most Mormons themselves haven't given this a lot of thought; beehives are simply what girls in this age group are called because the Church says this is what they are called.
2. Mia maid: 14- and 15-year-old young women are called "Mia maids" (the first word is pronounced "my-uh," like "Mayan" without the "n"). The term comes from M.I.A., which in Mormon parlance stands for Mutual Improvement Association (see above). Over time the acronym began to be pronounced as a word and spelled as a proper adjective. One would never call these young women "maids"; they are always referred to as "Mia maids." Again, I don't know exactly what they do in their meetings. It's probably telling, however, that young women would know at least some of the special responsibilites of young men (that deacons pass the sacrament, for instance), whereas young men don't know what young women do - in large part because there are no rituals, duties or assignments performed publicly by young women before the entire ward, as there are by young men. As a boy, all I really knew with certainty about Mia maids was that they liked to giggle a lot and alternately flirt with and mock teachers (that is, 14- and 15-year-old young men). But then, so did I...
3. Laurel: Laurels are lovely, all fresh-faced and virtuous - at least in the Mormon imagination. Since they are 16- and 17-year-olds, they are young women in body and spirit, as well as in name. By this point you have surely already anticipated that I really don't have a clue what they do in their classes, either. My guess is they spend some time working towards an award, called "The Young Womanhood Recognition Award," which is a medallion worn on a chain. I know this only because occasionally during Sacrament meeting (the main meeting during the three-hour block of meetings on Sunday - the one where the entire ward meets together regardless of age or gender), laurels who have earned the award are recognized. Lucky laurels get to date upstanding priests (16- and 17-year-old boys who hold the priesthood), since dating is officially allowed beginning at the age of 16. Ideally the dates would be double dates (there is safety in numbers), and the laurels would find modest but pretty earrings to match their award medallions.

Talk like a Mormon: Ignorant and Ornery

Among the adjectives that Utah Mormons like to use, two in particular require some explanation and translation for the uninitiated: ignorant and ornery.

Ignorant - This one, which is usually pronounced "ig-nurnt" in the Utah dialect, does not mean what you think it means (or what any standard dictionary says it means). Rather, it is used to describe a person or action perceived by the speaker to be rude or offensive. As in, "I can't believe she said that you'd never get into BYU. She's so ignorant." Also, "We tried to get all our home teaching done this month, but that inactive member we've been assigned to wouldn't let us stop by. And it was really ignorant how he slammed the door in our face."

Ornery - This one means more or less what you think it means (or what any standard dictionary says it means), but its especially unusual pronunciation and wisespread currency will likely confuse you. It is pronounced "on-ree" in the Utah dialect, and it is very commonly used when someone is perceived by the speaker to be grumpy, short-tempered, or just out of sorts. As in, "I don't know what's wrong, but he's been ornery all day."

Talk like A Mormon: Moving through the Ranks - Young Men

12 is an important age for Mormon boys. It is the age at which a male may be ordained to the first office in the lower or preparatory priesthood, called the Aaronic Priesthood (after Moses's brother Aaron, who, according to the Bible, was the first man ordained by God to be a priest in the temple). Mormon boys from the ages of 12 through 17 are said to be part of "Young Men's," short for "The Young Men's Organization." They are generally referred to this way only in the collective sense ("the young men" or "Young Men's"); an individual boy is not referred to as a "young man" when talking about his rank. (Mormons do use the term "young man" in the same sense that the term is used generally by the English-speaking world). Instead, an individual from "Young Men's" would be identified by the rank he holds within the Aaronic Priesthood, and ranks correspond to age groups. The ranks are:

1. Deacon: 12- and 13-year-old young men are deacons, and they belong to the "Deacons' Quorum." Deacons have primary responsibility for passing the sacrament (the bread and water) during Sacrament Meeting on Sundays (think of Sacrament Meeting as Mormons' version of Mass). One deacon is selected by the men who work with the quorum to be the quorum president, and he in turn gets to select two counselors from among his peers. The presidency gets to design the pattern for the passing of the sacrament and to decide which deacon takes which part of the pattern (think of the the pattern as the equivalent of a play in a ball game: each boy passes the bread and then the water to a section of the chapel based on the number he is assigned). Mormons love efficiency, so there can be constant redesign and improvement of the pattern. Deacons also collect fast offerings. On the first Sunday of every month, called "Fast Sunday," Mormons are expected to go without food and water until the Sunday block of meetings has ended. As part of the fast, they are asked to give as "fast offerings" whatever money they would have spent on the meals (generally breakfast and lunch) they have skipped. They can do this at church (there are little envelopes by the bishop's office precisely for this purpose), but deacons are also sent door to door on that Sunday to collect the offerings. When I was a deacon, we were told not to look to see how much people gave, but it was easy to do since the envelopes were closed with a string fastener much like an interdepartmental office envelope. Needless to say, I peeked from time to time. I often noted how some inactive Mormons who never came to church and likely never skipped a meal would still let us come to gather fast offerings and would give a generous amount, whereas some holier-than-thou regulars at church would give a pittance, but would present it to us as if it was a great offering.
2. Teacher: 14- and 15-year-old young men are teachers, and they belong to the "Teachers' Quorum." There are also a couple of men assigned to work with the teachers, and one of the teachers is chosen as the president, who in turn gets to select counselors. Teachers have two primary responsibilities, both relating to the sacrament. First, they take care of the preparation and clean-up of the sacrament. This means that they bring the Wonder bread to church and place it in the trays for the group of young men just older than them to break, bless, and give to the deacons during the sacrament portion of Sacrament Meeting. They also place the tiny cups (made from paper when I was young, but mostly from plastic these days) in the trays with the tiny cup holders, and then fill them with water. They place both the bread and the water trays on the sacrament table and cover it with a white cloth. Then, after Sacrament Meeting, they clean the trays and store them. As a side note, Mormons don't guard or babysit the leftover sacrament (as do Catholics their Holy Eucharist). Teachers just pour out the leftover water and dump the leftover bread. Except on Fast Sundays, when some of them (or at least some of my fellow teachers and I, when I was that age) would eat the leftover bread because we were SO HUNGRY! Second, teachers close the doors to the chapel when the sacrament is prayed over and passed during Sacrament Meeting. This is to discourage entrances to and exits from the chapel during this most sacred part of the meeting. Just the same, if someone has to go to the bathroom or has a crying baby, teachers let them by.
3. Priest: 16- and 17-year-old young men are priests, and they belong to the "Priests' Quorum." As is the case with deacons and teachers, a couple of men work with the priests. What is unique about priests, however, is that one of the men who works with them within the quorum is the bishop of the ward, and it is the bishop who is the president of the quorum. The bishop will select two priests to serve as his assistants (first and second). Priests' primary responsibility is to break the sacrament bread and to say the set prayers that are delivered over the sacrament before it is passed by the deacons. Ordinarily Mormons do not use set prayers, but these particular prayers were revealed to Joseph Smith as special sacrament prayers, and they are recorded in a collection of his revelations called Doctrine and Covenants, which Mormons consider to be scripture. The prayers have to be delivered exactly as the prophet received them, except that the original prayer for the second portion of the sacrament says "wine" instead of "water" (early Mormons used wine for the sacrament until Joseph Smith received a revelation about food and drink called the Word of Wisdom, which forbade wine). I have to admit that I wondered a time or two when I was a priest about why God didn't realize that he was going to forbid wine when he gave Joseph the prayer that had to be recited exactly as written. It was almost as if God wanted to confuse us, or to see whether we were smart enough to substitute "water" for "wine" if we were reading the prayer from Doctrine and Covenants. Luckily, by the time I was a priest, printing and laminating were common with church members, so we could always use a printed and laminated copy of the prayer that only said "water." I figured God gave us printing and laminating in order to fix the confusion (or help the less smart priests). As Mormons like to say, God will never test us beyond what we can handle!

Talk like a Mormon: Garments, or, Mormon Underwear

Adult members of the L.D.S. Church who have taken part in a sacred temple rite called an "endowment" ceremony are given underwear that they are told to wear for the remainder of their lives as a reminder of the ceremony and the promises (both to and from God) that are part of the ceremony. Note that they aren't told to wear that same exact pair of underwear for the rest of their lives. There are special stores, called distribution centers, that sell the underwear, and Mormons change their underwear as often as anyone else does.

Since the underwear must be covered by outer clothing, wearing the underwear also ensures modesty. Only adults may enter the temple to take part in the endowment ceremony (or "receive their endowment"), so Mormon children and teenagers wear regular underwear (and may, therefore, wear more revealing clothing than their parents, although this isn't generally encouraged). Usually the first time Mormons go to the temple (which is separate from a ward meeting house, where Sunday services take place) for the endowment is in preparation for serving a mission or as part of the marriage "sealing" ceremony. In other words, anyone who is serving or has served a mission should be wearing the underwear, as should anyone who has been married in the temple. It is also possible for single adults who did not serve a mission and/or have not married to visit the temple for the ceremony and receive the underwear, but this is a rarer path to follow.

Besides giving you some general information on the underwear, this entry will explain some terminology and exemplify some common ways Mormons talk about their underwear with one another. This entry won't explain any of the markings on the garments. There are two reasons that this entry won't explain the markings. First, there are countless internet sites out there that will do that for you. Second, and more to the point, this entry teaches you how to talk like a Mormon, and, outside of the temple ceremony, Mormons never mention or discuss the markings with anyone (even one another), since they consider them to be highly sacred and, therefore, appropriately mentioned only by those who are temple-worthy and only in the sacred space of the temple.

Garments: Mormons call their underwear "garments," short for temple garments. They never call them underwear, but they do treat them linguistically in the same way as underwear in that garments come in pairs. When not speaking about them in pairs, there is usually no article "the" placed before the word, unless speaking about them abstractly in a highly religious way. So, for example, both of these sentences would be correct, although the first usage would be more common:

1. "Ever since I went to the temple and started wearing garments, I had to give away all my cute sleeveless dresses."
2. "Those who have been endowed wear the garments as a reminder of the promises they have made." Note that it would also be perfectly fine to omit the article "the" in this sentence, but by adding it the speaker would be emphasizing the sacred importance of the underwear. As written with the article, the sentence would sound good in a Sunday school lesson.

"G's": Mormons, especially younger adult Mormon men who have just started wearing garments, will often refer to them as their "G's." As in, "I just put on a new pair of G's."

One-piece vs two-piece: Historically, garments were one-piece underwear that looked much like a union suit, but in the 1970s two-piece garments (a separate top and bottom) were introduced for men and women. Both are currently available. One-piece garments are stepped into through the neck opening and pulled up. Two-piece garments in many ways resemble a T-shirt and long boxer-briefs (for men) or a camisole and long shorts (for women). Note that for men who choose the two-piece garments, the garment top may show above the outer shirt without anyone's thinking there is a modesty problem. Why this is so is not entirely clear, but this special exception for men is probably because the top is so high, and because the collar would appear to the uninformed like nothing more than a T-shirt top (which it basically is). Note also that for women neither the one-piece nor the two-piece separates have a built-in bra, which means (brace yourself, women readers) that Mormon women wear their bras over their garments. And Mormon women always wear a bra (think about that on a hot day). Since Mormons have a choice about what kind of garments to wear (but not about whether to wear them), it's normal for them to express a preference. Almost all younger Mormon adults prefer two-piece garments, while older Mormons may have made the switch to two-piece garments or may continue to favor the one-piece garments they grew up with. It's also common for Mormons to call one-piece garments "one-piecers," and to call two-piece garments "two-piecers." (It's probably worth mentioning that I've also heard one-piecers called "onesies," as in what a baby wears, but I've only ever heard that funny term used by the irreverent.) A choice of fabrics is available in both versions, and people have preferences on fabrics, as well. The following sentences are also good, standard Mormon utterances:

1. "My dad still likes his one-piecers, but I can't imagine dealing with the foldover trapdoor at the back when it's time to go to the bathroom! It's two-piece G's for me."
2. "I picked up a new pair of two-piece garments, and when I got home and opened up the package for the bottoms I realized that they were cotton-polyester instead of the mesh fabric that I like so well. The top was mesh. Do you think the distribution center will take the bottoms back even if I've opened the package?"
3. "It is stinkin' hot today, and my garments are bunching up around my bra straps something fierce! I wonder whether it would happen less if I wore one-piece garments."

Talk like a Mormon: Moving Through the Ranks - Children

There are various organizations and ranks within the Mormon church, and each member belongs to an organization or holds a rank based on gender, age, and activity. Below are the organizations and ranks for children (yes, even children have ranks; the only people who escape classification within the church are infants up to 18 months, who stay with their parents for church meetings).

Nursery: This is where young toddlers from 18 months up to three years of age go during the first two meetings of church services (parents pick up their toddlers for the final combined meeting, called Sacrament meeting). Adult members are asked by the lay leadership of the congregation to help out in Nursery as their assignment. (In Mormon speak, the previous sentence would read as follows: "Adult members are called by the bishopric of the ward to serve in Nursery as their church calling.") Think of it as being asked by God to babysit for your neighbors. For the toddlers, Nursery is a one-and-a-half hour time of toys, snacks, and stories about Jesus (or about hungry caterpillars - it depends on which will make the majority of the kids stay quiet). Parents (ok, mostly mothers) of naughty Nursery children are summoned out of adult classes to come tend to the more serious problems.

Primary: At three years of age, little Mormons enter Primary. Boys and girls are kept together for Primary, but they are divided up by age groups, which are assigned various names. Like Nursery, Primary also stretches across the first two meeting times (about an hour and a half) of Sunday church services (which last three hours altogether). Part of Primary brings all Primary-aged children together for singing time and lessons from the Primary Presidency (adult women who are called by the bishopric to lead the organization because they are good with children - or because they deserve to be punished) about things like sharing your testimony (that is, your belief in the church). But children are also split up (for age-appropriate lessons) into groups according to their age, as outlined below. Each group has an adult teacher (male or female) who is called to sit with the group during combined Primary singing and sharing time and also much teach a lesson during small group time.

1. Three-year-olds are called "Sunbeams." There's a terrific song that all Mormon children love to sing called "Jesus Wants Me for a Sunbeam." When I was young, I'd shout out the syllable "beam" in the word "sunbeam" and jump in my seat on that syllable when singing the song. Others followed along. It was irreverent fun, and I was scolded for doing it. I did it anyway.
2. The next groups are all called "C.T.R." groups, which stands for "Choose the Right." There are various divisions of C.T.R.s, so you move through a numbering system as a C.T.R. for four years (until the age of eight). It used to be that when you became a C.T.R. you received a cheap little adjustable ring that had a green shield on it with the initials "C.T.R." It was considered a real rite of passage and a special gift. Boys weren't normally allowed to wear jewerly where I grew up, so I was over the moon with excitement when I got mine, and I wore it like Liberace. Now many adults where bulky silver versions of the rings. Even old, conservative Mormon men wear these adult versions now. Times do change.
3. At age eight, you become what is called a "Valiant." This is also the age at which a person may be baptized. Like C.T.R.s, Valiants remain Valiants for a few years (until the age of 12), progressing through a ranking system (Valiant A, Valiant B, etc.). The name "Valiant" confused me when I assumed it. I had only heard it as a name for a prince in a Disney film, and I thought that if I received a ring when I became a C.T.R., perhaps I would receive a principality upon becoming a Valiant. No such luck.

Talk like a Mormon: The Smell of Intensifying

I've decided to supplement my bimonthly stories with short vocabulary lessons that will appear between the stories. This is the inaugural post of these vocab lessons, which I'm calling "Talk Like a Mormon."

There is an idiosyncratic (and fun) way Mormons in the Intermountain West (Utah, Southern Idaho, Western Wyomong, Northern Arizona, etc.) intensify an adjective in a statement: the word "stinking." Although an adjective itself, "stinking" doesn't behave like an adjective (and definitely doesn't describe the smell of anything!) when used this way. Instead, it behaves like an adverb, intensifying the (usually positive) adjective it is placed before. Think of it as synonymous with the word "very." When pronounced, it loses the "g" at the end.

As in, "That Laura Ashley dress she wore to church was stinkin' cute." Or, "He is so stinkin' smart, those Jehovah's Witnesses don't stand a chance in a debate with him."